How to lose your mind:
- Lose checkbook.
- Search for, and fail to find, rest of checks.
- This step doesn’t exist
- Search everywhere, including in jackets not worn since winter even though I had my checkbook just a couple of weeks ago since I paid my rent with a check.
- Toss contents of two backpacks and a bike messenger bag out on bed. Huh. No checkbook.
- Repeat previous step.
- Suspect cat of dragging checkbook into some odd corner of the house. But no dice.
- Suspect neighbors of stealing checks.
- Realize I’m being exceptionally paranoid.
- With beginning of month approaching, realize I need to order replacement checks or at least get a money order to pay rent, since that’s the only thing I write checks for now, because if I used the free online bill pay my bank offers I’d be late every month (don’t ask).
- Order replacement checks one week before rent is due, figuring that’s enough time.
- One week later, no replacement checks arrive in mail.
- Find out that “one week” to a bank means “7 to 10 business days”.
- Stop looking at me like that.
- I’ll get to the point when I’m ready.
- Try to buy a money order since, y’know, rent is due, motherfucker. Banks, however, don’t sell them anymore, which seems even odder than the strange calendary they use where “1 week” = as many as two regular, non-banking-employee weeks (see Step #13).
- Buy money order from Post Office. Even more odd.
- Mail money order to landlord, call landlord to let him know it might be a little bit late.
- Upon arriving home from mailing rent
checkmoney order, find replacement checks in mailbox.
- Upon dumping out contents of backpack that was searched at least twice, find old checkbook.
There. That was easy-schmeasy.