I saw “Ultraviolet” over the weekend.

One word review: dumb.

Longer rant-y review:

Take it from me, I’m a guy who loves all kinds of movies. No matter how bad, I can always find something good to say about it. Like, say “Howard the Duck” – oh, wait, I was out of town the week that was actually in the theaters. I never actually saw it. I swear.

And then there are movies that are so bad, they become fun again. An example would be, oh, just about any movie that Joel and the ‘bots were forced to watch on “Mystery Science Theater 3000”. Man, I miss those guys. (Sure, Mike was OK – but Joel was the bestest).

So where does that leave the vampire – oh, excuse me, “hemophage” – story of “Ultraviolet”?

Well… it had Mila Jovovich in it. And she was naked, once, briefly.

Unfortunately, even if Ms. Jovovich were naked for the entire running length of the movie it would not redeem this stupid movie.

Get this for stupid: The opening scene has Ms. Jovovich’s character posing as a courier picking up a very special package. The guards and defenses give her every test imaginiable to check if she is human or “hemophage” – ID and papers checked, DNA scans, blood scans, retinal scans, chemical baths, everything, all 100% unadulterated techno-babble-filled dialogue showing that these guys mean business and do not take their duties lightly. She passes test after test after test… when it’s obvious to everyone in the theater that she is, in fact, a “hemophage”.

But, uh, do they ever look at her teeth? You know.. the fangs in her mouth? Wouldn’t that be a big tip-off? Apparently not.

And, of course, they have to come up with some techno-babble reason for just why she then turns out to be, to the surprise of no one in the theater, one ‘a them there “hemophages”. Argh. Much better to have simply had her blast her way inside.

There’s so much to pick apart in this movie that it might, actually, be fun with the right group of ‘bots – er, I mean, people. Booze might help, too. But don’t waste your money on it in the theater, it’ll be in the DVD bargain bins soon enough.